My spouse and I have argued this past week, over everything and nothing. We barely speak. A wasted week. Oh, we did things together like, hiking to see the menhirs for instance. But under this dark cloud of unhappiness and strive. When I complained to a friend (via an email) she said; “Girlfriend, be kind to yourself, let it go.”
I was not impressed with her reply. Why must I give in, say sorry, and smile as if nothing happened. He is the only that started this, he should apologize, then maybe I’ll forgive him. Only it doesn’t work this way, does it.
Through all this unhappiness and feeling low, my writing suffered. I felt, ugly, useless, unloved, unappreciated, unwanted. I did not appreciate the beautiful landscape, the deep blue color of the water, the azure blue sky, the taste of that first cup of coffee in the morning, the birds singing in the lush emerald-green vegetation. The warm sun. The fact that I’m alive, healthy, have a beautiful life.
In my unhappiness I forgot that. I cried when I should have smiled. My mind dark, like Dexter’s dark companion. I did not even eat ice-cream this week. And Corsica has ice-cream emporiums on every corner. In my unhappiness I was my own worst enemy, not my spouse.
Last night was the last straw and while watching an episode of season six of Dexter, I could not take it anymore, I grabbed a book, my water bottle, my sneakers and without a word marched off.
At the beach I sat down on a bench, directed some more dark thoughts towards my spouse, and began reading. The book was insipid, stupid, the writing bad. After two chapters I slammed the book shut, threw it down.
This is BS, I thought. Look where I am. The argument began because my spouse yelled at me, when he slipped on rocks, while tying a line. It’s not my fault he had cut his leg. What is my fault was continuing the argument that resulted from that incident for seven days! Seven wasted days.
This morning bird song woke me. The sun shot an arrow through the open hatch, above my bed, as if to say; “LET IT GO, GIRL.”
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
I’m letting it go. I am giving myself a present today. Kindness.
*This is a creative writing exercise I take part in with a beautiful community of women bloggers.